Jokes (wow im bored)

Q:What animal is the least racist?

A: The panda: It's white, black, and asian.


A blonde was looking for jobs to do by going door to door asking, "Do you need any jobs accomplished?" She decided to start in a rich neighborhood. She went to one house and asked the same question, to which the guy replied, "Oh, I need my porch painted." She asked, "How much would you pay me?" "$50, all paint is in the garage." The blonde then headed down to the garage. The man's wife, who heard it all, questioned, "Does she know it raps around the WHOLE house?" and the man said, "She should, she was standing right on it." 30 minute later she knocked on the door and the man answered. She said, "I finished so quickly, and had SO much paint left over that I decided to give it a second coat." Impressed, the man started to give her the $50 until she added, "And by the way, that wasn't a porch, it was a ferrari."


Three men were trying to get into heaven. The guard angel said that they needed a vehicle of some sort to get in, and that vehicle depended on how faithful they were to their wife. The first man said, "I love my wife, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I world NEVER cheat on her!" The angel gave him a Porche. The second guy said, "I love my wife, and I cheated on her a bit, but I still regret it." The angel gave him a Mustang (car). The last guy said, "I don't really love my wife, and I cheat on her a LOT." The angel gave him a crappy car. Later on the second and third angel were driving when they say the man with the porche crying. "What's wrong? You have the best car! You should be happy!" then he said, "Yeah, but I saw my wife on roller skates!"


Three men were trying to get into heaven, but ther was a guardian angel blocking the gate to heaven. The guard said, "We're kinda packed right now, you better have a good reason for dying, and Hell is pretty empty, so-" The first man said, "I came home from a long day of work to find my beatiful wife passionatly hugging a strange man. I punched the man square in the nose, pushed him out the window, and threw afridge on him. When I had realized what I had done, I had a panic attack and died also." The angel let him in. The second guy said, "I was visiting my cousin and calming her down by hugging her after I told her about her mother's death. Then, what I believe was her husband freaked, punched me, pushed me out the window, and threw a fridge on me!" The angel let him in. Then the third guy said, "Well, I was hiding in a refridgerator..."


A man's toilet broke. He went to a plumbing tore to buy another. The store had recently had a HUGE 95% off sale, so there were only three left. "You can go and test them out." the employee said. So the man took the first one, a glass toilet. When he sat down on it, it shattered on contact. He took it back and got the second: a wooden one. When he sat down on it, it gave him severe splinters. So he traded it out for the last one: a singing one. When he sat down on it, it sang, "Do you see what I see?"


Three men were on a crashing plane. The plane was only crashing because it was holding too much stuff. So, all three, a mexican, an asian, and an american, threw out things that their country had too much of. The asian guy threw out rolls and rolls of silk. "I have too much of this in my country!" he chanted. The mexican threw out boxes and boxes of frozen tacos. "I have too much of this in my country!" He repeated. Then the american threw out the mexican and said, "I have too much of this in my country!"


Three men were trapped on a peak of a snowy mountain. One of them yelled, "Look water!" Everyone dusted off the "water" canteen and a genie popped out. I can grant three wishes. One for each. The first man said, "I wish I had wings o I can fly down this mountain!" The genie gave him wings and he flew to the bottom. The second guy said, "I wish I had a plane!" The genie gave him a plane and he left. The third guy, struggling to run up the hill to get to the genie, tripped over a rock and screamed, "OH CRAP!" The genie turned him into poo.


Three men were trying to escape an island. A genie popped out of a bottle. "I can grant three wishes. One of each." The first guy said, "I wish I was in my hometown, enjoying a beer with my family." POOF, he was gone. The second guy said, "I wish I was in Vegas, at the very machine I won $1,000 at." POOF, he was gone. Then the third guy said, "I'm getting kinda lonely, I wish those guys were back here."